Buying Gifts for Men

I often tell people that Afinia's mission is to make it so that any woman could throw a dart at our catalog and hit on something that would make her husband happy. I recognize that I am running some risks by generalizing about gender. But I am not alone.

There is no shortage of articles on the Internet with advice on giving gifts to men. They have the following things in common: They are badly written, they have hidden purposes, and they generalize to the point of making men look shallow and predictable. I take issue with the first two. The third is a fact of life.

The following information is not badly written, and it does not have a hidden purpose. Our purpose is that we want you to buy our stuff. See? Not hidden at all. Links follow at the end of the article.

I would like to offer you some advice, dear shopper, that is hopefully meaningful and even helpful to you in your search. If it drives you to buy somewhere else, well, so be it. Good for the Karma.

In fact, I'm feeling so generous today, I'm going to go so far as to use only examples that are products we DON'T SELL. Then I'll plug our stuff at the very end.

The message behind your gift, whether intended or not, is this:

THIS GIFT REPRESENTS WHO I THINK YOU ARE.

So, if she (my wife, my mother, my mother-in-law) or even he (my dad, my son, my colleague) gets me a cross pen, it is a comment on how she or he perceives me. She is saying more than that I am a writer; she may be saying I am a dreamer, or an intellectual.

The definition will be interpreted through the eyes of our relationship. Depending on the nature of our interactions, the same gift might say pragmatist, or it might say artist. It might say passionate, or it might say disciplined. It could communicate that I am a free spirit, or a driven visionary.

My mother-in-law has given me a gift card to Barnes & Noble many times. She thinks I am a nerd. She is, well, correct. There are very few tangible things in the world that I value more than books. But through the gift, she is saying, "I like that you are a learner. I want to enable your learning".

Oddly enough, the same gift from my wife would be nuanced; it would be, frankly interpreted as a spending limit for my habit. But when my wife gives me music from my favorite store or things to cook with, she says, "I enjoy it when you make new things - you are a good cook. And I like listening to you play the piano."

So remember, when you choose a gift, choose something that represents what you value in that person. Don't choose something that is a critique. If you admire his handiwork, a drill is okay. If you want him to fix things around the house more, it is not.

Now, go buy something from Afinia.com. I am sure he will love whatever you choose. Can I recommend one of these lovely Real Flame fireplaces? Disclaimer: This gift could say, "I like sitting by the fire with you". Or it could say, "You are a pyromaniac and you need to choose a safer, more legal way of enjoying fire, you felonious nutjob".

Merry Christmas.

Today's Insider Glimpse: Gerstner

My boss and I choose each and every product that Afinia will offer vary carefully.

Every line and manufacturer is agreed upon. We both have veto power, and we have used it liberally... to make sure that our catalog is something we can be proud of.

While we agree on every line, sometimes we don't, um, see eye to eye on every product. Here is an example:

The Gerstner Wood Briefcase

Now, Gerstner is a fine company. A long manufacturing tradition, an untouchable reputation for quality, and products that anyone would be proud to own. Personally, I am looking forward to owning this collector's chest someday.

But a wooden briefcase? I don't get it. My boss thinks its cool. So for today's list, I have the

TOP TEN WAYS TO PROMOTE THE WOOD GERSTNER BRIEFCASE

10. Make my boss try to take a Gerstner BriefCase through airport security
9. Advertise all Gerstner Products as 'dart-proof' for businessmen travelling to places where they still shoot people with tranquilizer darts. You know, the far east and the jungle and maybe even South Beach.
8. Promote it as the ideal case for people who still carve their business documents in stone.
7. Offer a free can of wood polish with every briefcase purchase.
6. Publishing a warning - not to use near open flame -
5. Offer to make a donation to the Sierra Club for every purchase made: "With your new wood briefcase, a donation has been made in your name to replace the tree we cut down for this thing..."
4. Offer self-defense classes to women who are working late at the law firm. How to use your briefcase to fend off attackers in parking ramps or something like that...
3. Offer an optional set of legs so it can be converted to a dining table. (Or just buy one of these - they're much cooler).
2. Offer engraving services. "In honor of 10 years with the company, you get a briefcase that no one would ever use, to put next to your 5-year paperweight service award (which you also never use)."
1.Create a businessman exercise routine (Briefcase Curls, Briefcase Lunges, Briefcase Press). You'll build muscle mass in no time with the Gerstner Wood Briefcase!

By the way, did you know people tried to predict the market based on how full Greenspan's Briefcase looked? Turns out he was just taking his lunch to work somedays. Imagine how stable the market would have been if he'd used one of these...

Post Script: A Man's Globe

You may recall my mentioning a globe that sits in my boss's office. If not, that story can be found here.

My boss passed away unexpectedly Thursday evening. We were good friends. That night I sat in his office for a long time, staring at his empty chair and twirling the little silver globe in my hands as I often did when I talked with him.

The next morning, a shocked staff wandered in to work. Many sat in his office as I had done, staring in to the distance.

I couldn't help but notice, the old globe disappeared that morning. Nothing else has been taken. At first it seemed cold that someone would raid the office of our departed friend so quickly. But then, I understand why they took it.

Top Ten Medieval Dungeon Accessories

Author's Post-Script: This is a joke. Okay? A Joke. As in, fabricated for your enjoyment.

Today's Top Ten List:

These Afinia products came from a Medieval Dungeon, complete with their historical archaeological context:

What dungeon would be complete without a torchy-looking Propane Fireplace. I didn't know they had propane back then!

You wouldn't usually think of a retro jukebox as being a torture device. But the one we found was loaded up entirely with Meatloaf albums.

Apparently, the dungeonkeepers were big Russell Crowe Fans. Because they had this cool Gladiator Knife Display. I guess Russell is older than he looks.

A well-organized Dungeon is a happy dungeon! Here's the executioner's top of the line Garage Storage System.

This very unique fan. I have it on good authority that dungeonmasters talked in to electric fans to make their voices sound sinister, like Darth Vader.

These aren't just swimming pool floats! In the event of an emergency, such as flooding in the dungeon, these would drop from the ceiling. It's a well-documented fact that today's airline passenger comfort and safety standards are derived from the days of dungeonkeepiny.

This looks like a Wine Bottle Opener. But it's really a medieval torture device. We've scratched the 'place your thumb here' sticker off.

You think you hang your coats up on this Foyer Bench or sit on it to put on your shoes. But it's really for stringing up prisoners when they are questioned.

Also, in the interrogation room, we found a skeleton stretched across this one. Now it's a Hammock Stand.

Better than a Golden Globe…

Postscript: Today's article is not funny. But it is real.

A globe in a man’s office is a mark of distinction. It is the mark of an educated dreamer, an accomplished artist with a white collar, and a thousand other paradoxes.

It should not come as any surprise that Hollywood seized the globe and tried to make it a symbol of their own. Legitimizing the self-absorbed, destructive personalities produced by America’s darling industry on the west coast with an award that says nothing more than “you’re cool this week; please come to my party” is irony at least; that the award is given to American-made, English-language films is only the tip of the iceberg of hypocrisy. It is an indictment of our civilization that putting the name of a soon to be washed-up, divorced, rehabbed, and probably prematurely dead celebrity on a globe adds E-bay value faster than gold itself.

When I was young, I spun a globe that was tucked away in the classroom corner and imagined the places I would go. My finger would stop the globe on Germany, Japan, Chile, Mexico, Canada, and even the Island that decorates the southern tip of China, and I would imagine the sights, smells, and food, the sounds of a language I did not know. I wondered how I would get there, what I would do, who I would meet, what I would learn.

Now that I am grown, I still spin a Globe. It is a small one; it sits in the corner of the Vice President’s office. But when my finger stops the globe, instead of imagining, it calls back the memories. It reminds me of how people work, live, talk, eat, and travel. It brings back raw fish and taxi rides and business meetings and walking long streets. You see, I have been to all of those places, and more.

I love to point a spot out on a globe or a map to my children, share a story, and impart a little wisdom that came at a cost to me.

In Shanghai I was tricked in to getting in to a taxi… it cost me a lot of money to get out of it. I ended up running part of a charity race in Birmingham in the UK… with my luggage. We climbed far beyond where the tourists go on the Great Wall north of Beijing. And our weak German skills ordered way more orange juice than a couple of people can drink at McDonalds in Hannover. I have a fond memory of a long walk early one morning in Kyoto, Japan, when I managed to escape my hosts long enough to see the parts of the city that aren’t on a tourist map, and greet people as they began their day early one Sunday morning. I spent a long night walking around Mexico City looking for a hotel when mine couldn’t find a reservation. I have visited the poorest slums in Chile, and I have been treated like a king in Montreal.

And then my finger finds a spot on the globe that my feet have not yet touched. Vienna. Prague. Johannesburg. Reykjavik. And the child inside returns.

I am one of the paradoxes. And one day there will be a Replogle Globe, sitting by my bookshelves in the room with the wingback chair and the grand piano.

Still Stuck on Pergolas

I'm doing my pergola homework here.

There's another company that sells pergolas that really has their act together. Baldwin Pergolas. Unfortunately, what would otherwise be a high degree of web-pergola-credibility is shot by their use of a garden gnome (not in just one, but two places) on the front page above the fold.


When we first started exploring the idea of a furnishings catalog on the high end, we visited the High Point Furniture Market in North Carolina (a year ago). The first vendor we talked to, a company that made high-quality patio furniture like this, told us they didn't want to be in any catalog that had garden gnomes in it. Garden Gnomes have since then become symbolic. (As in, "What do you think of carrying this?" "It's cool, but it might make people think garden gnome.")

I have, in fact, come to the conclusion that the only tasteful way to display a garden gnome, pergola or not, is the following:

The Replogle Globe Company History, Revised

**Author's Note, Post Script: This is not my best work. In hindsight, I should probably delete it. Frankly, I'm only leaving it here in hopes that people searching for Globes will end up looking at our Globes page. If you came here to be entertained, you probably should skip this one and go to pergolas. But if you still have time on your hands, there may be a gem or two here too...

One thing I have gotten tired of is the so-called 'Corporate Profile'. I don't know why this 'About Us' spiel has to be included in every sales pitch and powerpoint. I kicked a window salesman out of my house because he wouldn't skip the pre-programmed pitch. I just wanted some windows, not a history lesson. So I had an idea:

Take these corporate histories and make 'mad libs'. It's much more interesting.

Here is the history for one of my favorite companies, Replogle Globe. This company is actually fairly historic. But what happens if you do a find and replace just one word, Globe, with another noun? The real gems are bolded:

Replogle Popsicle Sticks has been making popsicle sticks since the 1920's. Recognized as the world's largest manufacturer of popsicle sticks, Replogle Popsicle Sticks has a well-earned reputation for its constant production and innovation of world popsicle sticks.

From its humble beginning in a Chicago apartment, Replogle Popsicle Sticks today is the world's leader in popsicle stick production. From handcrafted masterpieces in the offices of presidents and dignitaries to classroom models that help students understand their world, their belief in the popsicle stick as a source of wonder hasn't changed.

To deliver popsicle sticks to an ever broader audience. That was the vision of Luther Replogle in 1930, and this continues to be Replogle's mission to this day. Replogle Popsicle Sticks believes that the appeal of a popsicle stick is deeper than its value as a learning tool or home accessory. Luther Replogle knew this from the beginning. As a school supply salesman, he took a special interest in popsicle sticks, believing he could successfully market them to a broader audience.

He was right. What began with hand-assembled popsicle sticks sold from a Chicago apartment (with maps sourced from England, no less) grew into what you might call a global empire, Behind the rallying cry, "A popsicle stick in Every Home," Replogle facilitated the popsicle stick's migration from the classroom to the living room. In 1963, Replogle co-founded Scanglobe of Denmark, going on to purchase the popsicle sticks manufacturer's remaining interest in 1988 and moving its operations to the USA in 2003.

Replogle is the world's leading popsicle stick manufacturer, based in a 260,000 square foot facility near Chicago - but some things haven't changed much since 1930. Many Replogle popsicle sticks are still painstakingly hand-made by artisans who have spent the better part of their lives with the company. This is indicative of a commitment to quality, a commitment to doing things the right way, and, most importantly, a commitment to the popsicle stick itself.

It's exactly what Luther Replogle had in mind.

REPLOGLE POPSICLE STICKS HISTORY
In 1930, as 122 million citizens of the United States brace themselves for what will become known as the Great Depression, Luther Replogle, along with his wife, Elizabeth, begin assembling popsicle sticks in their Chicago apartment. Luther's idea -"A popsicle stick in Every Home" flies in the face of the dwindling economy, not to mention logic itself.

Luther Replogle believed that the popsicle stick was too valuable, too beautiful to be forever relegated to classroom duty. Where he got this idea is anyone's guess. When Luther Replogle wasn't making sales calls for a school supply company, he spent his time in the Weber Costello plant, watching popsicle stick-makers at work, paying particular attention as they pasted hand-cut map gores to molded hemispheres.

Luther Replogle's interest in popsicle sticks paid off. And in a constantly changing, seemingly shrinking world, his vision is more relevant today than ever. In 1930, Luther Replogle thought that a popsicle stick might help people make sense of their world. There were floods in the Mississippi River Delta, Fascism on the rise in Europe, Lindbergh attempting to fly across the Atlantic. Much was going on. The world was a big stage. It still is.

Here is the text as it originally appeared:

Replogle Globes has been making globes since the 1920's. Recognized as the world's largest manufacturer of globes, Replogle Globes has a well-earned reputation for its constant production and innovation of world globes.

From its humble beginning in a Chicago apartment, Replogle Globes today is the worlds leader in globe production. From handcrafted masterpieces in the offices of presidents and dignitaries to classroom models that help students understand their world, their belief in the globe as a source of wonder hasn't changed.

To deliver globes to an ever broader audience. That was the vision of Luther Replogle in 1930, and this continues to be Replogle's mission to this day. Replogle Globes believes that the appeal of a globe is deeper than its value as a learning tool or home accessory. Luther Replogle knew this from the beginning. As a school supply salesman, he took a special interest in globes, believing he could successfully market them to a broader audience.

He was right. What began with hand-assembled globes sold from a Chicago apartment (with maps sourced from England, no less) grew into what you might call a global empire, Behind the rallying cry, "A Globe in Every Home, " Replogle facilitated the globe's migration from the classroom to the living room. In 1963, Replogle co-founded Scanglobe of Denmark, going on to purchase the globe manufacturer's remaining interest in 1988 and moving its operations to the USA in 2003.

Replogle is the world's leading globe manufacturer, based in a 260,000 square foot facility near Chicago - but some things haven't changed much since 1930. Many Replogle Globes are still painstakingly hand-made by artisans who have spent the better part of their lives with the company. This is indicative of a commitment to quality, a commitment to doing things the right way, and, most importantly, a commitment to the globe itself.

It's exactly what Luther Replogle had in mind.

REPLOGLE GLOBES HISTORY
In 1930, as 122 million citizens of the United States brace themselves for what will become known as the Great Depression, Luther Replogle, along with his wife, Elizabeth, begin assembling globes in their Chicago apartment. Luther's idea -"A Globe in Every Home" flies in the face of the dwindling economy, not to mention logic itself.

Luther Replogle believed that the globe was too valuable, too beautiful to be forever relegated to classroom duty. Where he got this idea is anyone's guess. When Luther Replogle wasn't making sales calls for a school supply company, he spent his time in the Weber Costello plant, watching globe-makers at work, paying particular attention as they pasted hand-cut map gores to molded hemispheres.

Luther Replogle's interest in globes paid off. And in a constantly changing, seemingly shrinking world, his vision is more relevant today than ever. In 1930, Luther Replogle thought that a globe might help people make sense of their world. There were floods in the Mississippi River Delta, Fascism on the rise in Europe, Lindbergh attempting to fly across the Atlantic. Much was going on. The world was a big stage. It still is.

Now that I have a pergola, what should I do with it?

Top Ten things you could do with an Afinia Pergola:


10. Have a donut-eating contest (you know, where you hang the donuts from strings)

9. Pull-ups. (If you won the donut-eating contest, you should strongly consider this).

8. Grow grapes. Then you could, like, lie outside under your pergola and pick some grapes and eat them.

7. Grow vines. It's like a roof made out of flowers. Personally, I like Morning Glory, but I don't know if it's strictly for climbing up mailbox posts or if it works as a horizontal vine too. http://www.theflowerexpert.com/content/aboutflowers/tropicalflowers/morning-glory Don't eat these though. They're psychoactive and toxic.

6. Tie up the dog to it. Or the cat. (Is that cruel? Why is it cruel to tie up a cat and not a dog? I think there's a deeper issue here, one that merits introspection and possibly the formation of a social movement.)

5. Host a party. Call it a pergola party. Then see how many people e-mail you to find out what a 'pergola party' is and whether this party is okay if they're not 'socially progressive'.

4. If you have money to throw around... Put it somewhere interesting, perhaps somewhere the zoning commission might not like. Hey, it doesn't require a license to put one of these up, but any well-placed structure is sure to get the municipal control freaks fired up. Get creative. I'm not recommending anything illegal here, but if you go the creative route, send me a picture and maybe we'll send you a small gift or rebate part of the cost of the pergola... Again, nothing illegal...

3. Hold a Japanese Tea Ceremony. This one looks sort of oriental-ish... You could reenact the scene from Karate Kid. And if you could get Tamlyn Tomita there, well, that would be cool. She was in CSI Miami this year, you know. Okay, that scene wasn't shot in a pergola, but then hey, you're no Ralph Macchio, are you. Especially after the donuts.

2. Re-enact the beach scenes from your favorite 60s movie. Okay, this one's not a pergola, but it's close...

1. Add a gel fireplace http://www.afinia.com/Real_Flame_Gel_Fuel_Fire_Pits_s/34.htm and relax on your double lounge http://www.afinia.com/Antigua_Double_Lounge_p/d101-510.htm as you watch your children/grandchildren/hey whose neighbor kid is that? play with their pedal cars in the yard http://www.afinia.com/toys_s/22.htm.

Shameless product plugs. Sorry, it had to be done...

Foggy Hollow Searchlight

One of our writers was getting a little too creative... We rejected this ad copy on the basis that it is, well, entirely fiction. But it made nice writing. Do you think anyone would have bought one because of this story?

Searchlight

I stopped to catch my breath. I'd been running for a half hour along the shore, over the jagged rocks and through woods, and was getting nowhere fast. I looked up at the night sky, bogged by storm clouds. No moon in sight. All I could see was my breath... some of my final breaths, perhaps. It was nearly midnight. Where was I? How did I get here? My vessel wrecked somewhere on the Atlantic shoreline, a few nautical miles south of Halifax, or so I thought. The faint howling in the dark, drizzly night was getting louder, adding to what I was positively certain would be my untimely death. I couldn't see the blood pouring from my knee, but the warmth on my hand told me all I needed to know. It was no use, I'd never—wait... what was that in the distance?

It was the brightest light I'd ever seen, like staring into the mid-day sun. I followed the beam of light through the dense fog. I didn't know where it was leading, and I didn't care. I needed something, anything, to give me some hope. I walked for what seemed like an eternity. Where was this light coming from?

Here I am, years later, and I don't need to tell you how that fateful night ended. I like to think part of what kept me alive was instinct and intuition, but I know better. It was that searchlight, a good kilometer down the shoreline, that kept me going.

It belonged to an old fisherman. He kept that light burning all through the night, figuring someday it might well save his life if he ever sailed too far off shore. Well, I thanked him kindly, then got my own. And now you can have yours.

The Foggy Hollow Searchlight isn't just practical and useful, it's also a great way to add light and decor to your home.

The Florence Duomo

Italian Egg on our Afinia Faces...

Some things I know. For everything else, there's the Internet.

Unfortunately, as it turns out, not everything on the Internet is true. So our first round of research and ad copy on the Florence Duomo model included some, er, minor fallacies.

Fortunately, and not surprisingly, one of our customers gently pointed out the, um, 6 significant errors.

This is now one of my favorite customers because this is the kind of thing I would do (if the topic were something I knew about, which clearly it is not).

His name is Jon. Jon's e-mail subject was 'Helpful suggestion'. It then proceeds to point out factual errors, without suggesting anything. (okay, so 'fix the errors' is more or less implicit...)

• The Florence Duomo was begun in 1296, which is the 13th century. (We had 12th. This is a more or less common error. So, kids, remember: This year, 2009, is part of the 21st century. One variation on this common error can come in handy if you want to look older. When you are 15, you can tell people you are 'in your 16th year'. Remember, Afinia is not recommending anything illegal, and we are not liable for consequences derived from this useful piece of English idiomatic custom. Technically, you still need a drivers license.)



• The Florence Duomo was designed and built by Brunelleschi, not Michelangelo. (It's all Italian to me!)



• Michelangelo lived in the 15th and 16th century, not the 12th century. (Come on now, we were only off by 3 [hundred years]!)



• The spelling of his name is not "Michaelangelo". (Yes, but you have to admit our way is cooler. When I get to the other side, I'll have a chat with my friend Micky A about changing his name spelling)



• The model, while attractive does not resemble the dome of the Florence Duomo. (Okay, I'm stuck here. To my untrained eye they look similar. But I have the feeling this guy knows what he's talking about. My intuition says he's not working off a photo from a history book... He's probably seen it in person.)



• Neither does it resemble the celbrated dome at St Peters, which Micheangelo did design, other than the cute ogee brackets, which have been moved from the lantern to the barrel portion of the structure. (Okay, I'm definitely out of my league here.)

Kudos to Jon for cleaning our clocks (or domes) architecturally.

Welcome

Once upon a time, there were a couple of guys that worked in electronics for so long that they wanted to try something different. This is their story.

Afinia is an adventure story. In the process of travelling around the world, they developed a taste for unique and fine things. They touched, examined, hefted, and, well, ogled thousands of products from around the world.

We (abrupt change from third person!) offer only the very best of the things we have found. We search for things that stand out in their category. That's why you find the (shameless product plug!) Frank Lloyd Wright Globes from Replogle. Not just a $59 special from (in the interest of not getting sued, we have omitted the name of the big store with the red bullseye logo here) with a paper ball and a plastic base. You know, the good stuff. If you don't understand the purpose of a $350 globe, well, move along.

If nothing else, you should spend some time reading our product copy on the website. I think it's interesting reading - we spend a lot of time writing it ourselves and trying to really create a sense of each product's cool-factor.

We've even hidden some funny things in the site - ranging from quirky examples to tear-jerking one-liners.

This site, Afinia Times, is an outlet for the stuff that didn't really have a place there. Quips that didn't fit in the copy. Background information that helps you understand the product. And an insider glimpse in to a catalog company that you generally won't get without working for one.

By the way, we also pride ourselves on our grammatical and spelling prowess. That's part of what makes our product copy great. But we have deliberately hidden mistakes throughout the website, and there's a small prize if you identify one and alert us. The prize is (drumroll) a sense of satisfaction at having been able to better us in our pursuit of linguistic excellence. Someday maybe we'll give out t-shirts too.

Enjoy.