The Afinia Hats Off Award

Kudos to these folks at http://catalogliving.tumblr.com/ who have clearly found entertainment in our favorite advertising venue, the catalog.  I hope they find an opportunity to visit and roast us.  I'm certain they'll do even better than we do at mocking ourselves.  They've personified the imaginary inhabitants of the homes in furnishing catalogs as "Gary and Elaine", who apparently have some marital difficulties to work through.  Enjoy!

As such, we've decided to create an award and name Catalog Living its first ever recipient.  As soon as our graphics guy can come up with a logo for the award, it will be posted here!

Daydreamer Swing Hammock

Are 'staycations' popular because we've given them a vogue name? Or because nixing the family reunion and hanging out in one of these Daydreamer Swing Hammocks just sounds like a better idea?

You decide.

Ms. Pac-Man/Galaga Arcade

When I was your age...

The skinny kids were the video game nerds, and the fat kids were the football players.

The video game geeks actually knew how a video game worked.

You grew out of video games when you discovered girls. Or at least you kept the hobby closeted from that point forward.

There was no 'vintage' video game. We were first generation, baby!

The storyline was a secondary in a video game. We didn't need a storyline to distract us, the video game was the distraction!

In 1981, when Pac-Man was all the rage, my family threw a Pac-Man themed birthday party. They made the Pac-Man cake, and I think a Pac-Man poster and Pac-Man balloons. Maybe that's because we were poor (it was the 80s - we'd just gotten through the oil crisis of the 70s, inflation was through the roof, unemployment was following it, and the auto recession was in full swing). But I think it was more because the media hadn't yet learned how to artificially produce fandom-type hysteria through merchandising. Movie-themed and video-game themed merchandise started out as a response to demand; now clever marketers manufacture the demand for us - merchandise for the next hit animated feature (from costumes to napkins to action figures) is available before a title is even released.

You can take a trip back in time too, with the Ms. Pac-Man/Galaga Arcade.

Hammock Time.

The most relaxing vacation I have ever had was spent largely in a hammock. We drove to Maine, and I parked it next to the lake on my wife's family's property in one of those old woven rope hammocks, and didn't really move. When the air temperature is just right, the breeze is just strong enough to keep the bugs off and swing the hammock a little bit, and the humidity is high enough to make you sleepy but not so high as to make you sticky, you're home.

I'm thinking one of the uncovered hammocks is ideal for me - because I'm a cloud-watcher and a stargazer. But the Sakura Jacquard Cushioned Double Swing Hammock prompts visions of ice cream on the front porch on a hot July day. What's your variety?

Thomas the Tank Engine Pedal Car

Does anyone else think the face on the Thomas the Tank Engine Pedal Car is a little spooky?

Reminds me of the soulless children's faces on Polar Express. What a weird movie.

The Real Man Rules

My previous article mentioned the Real Man Rules. Here are a few:

1. Real men do not match fabrics. Clothing, furniture, draperies, it does not matter.

(You'll notice that all Afinia Hammocks fit almost anywhere, and our Outdoor Furniture is displayed in neutral colors. There is a simple color selector on each outdoor furniture page, for the purpose of your Significant Other, hereafter referred to as 'GPS Override'.) In the event of an emergency (being forced to select color on your own), simply choose the same fabric color for the whole set. And it doesn't matter which one you choose; it's outdoor furniture, its supposed to be flashy. For indoor furniture, male = leather. Everything else is her choice. Go with it, don't try to argue.

2. Everyone knows that real men do not ask directions. Now, as an extension of this rule, notice that in the detailed coolness that are our classic pedal toys, we simulate everything of importance. That is, steering and lights. No GPS. For those whose livelihood depend on it, we forgive you for putting GPS in your vehicle. Especially if your vehicle is an Airbus A-330, which we fly on regularly. We are grateful you have GPS. Once you have GPS, you may notice that the female in the seat next to you does not always agree with GPS. Hence the spousal title, "GPS override". Again, you may get lost, but go with it, don't try to argue.

3. Real men use fire. Questions? None? Okay, moving along.

4. Real men go to the doctor for two reasons: First, an error status code in critical regions of body. Second, the GPS override has directed us to the doctor.

5. Real men prefer the purchase of a tool over the purchase of repair services. This does, of course, necessitate a worthy tool-storage solution that provides an adequate place of honor for said tools after their meritorious service.

6. Knickknack shelf bad. Clocks good. Photo Montages bad. Globes good.

7. The garage has a deep emotional and perhaps even spiritual role in our lives. You get a 'mani-pedi'. We tinker. But it is not our domain. Secretly, we wish for crossover by the females in to the domain, as long as they do not mistake a fine wood chisel for a lever and ruin the blade. In like manner, men secretly like to do dishes for their GPS Override. The only reason they hold back is they don't want her to get used to it, they like the acknowledgement.

Why stop at 7? Because one of the real man rules prohibits me from fully explaining all of them at once. (Some are in fact never to be explained at all.) There are specific guidelines about using public restrooms, for example, that predate Senator Craig's indiscretions (he violated the rules, and in doing so, reinforced them for all of male-dom).

Have an odd male behavior you would like explained? Post a comment here, and we'll be happy to assess whether what you have observed is based in some interpretation of the rules.

Croquet, anyone?

Games are hard to play from the instructions.

Case in point, I purchased a Croquet set a few years ago to play with my children. I figured, six boys and a ball game played with life-sized wooden hammers, what can go wrong? Sure, there are always concussions and window replacement to deal with, but name something that is fun that doesn't involve at least one of the two.

Of course, I didn't actually know how to play the game. So I broke one of the primary Real Man Rules and read the instructions. And now I know why we don't generally, as a gender, bother with such nonsense.

I set up two stakes and nine wickets about the way they looked in the instructions. But then following the play rules, while not overly complicated, didn't really get me in to the game much. Or the boys. It appeared to all of us to be, frankly, a pathetic game.

Some time later, I got involved in a match between two family friends (apparently they have a grudge match going that goes back many years), and I learned the real joy in the competition:

It lies in the 'Roquet', striking another players ball. You see, once you hit someone else's ball, a world of options opens up.

My personal favorite is that when one hits another's ball, he may "place his own ball side by side with the struck ball. Then placing his foot on his own ball, strike it so as to move the other ball without moving his own."

In plain English, and thanks in part to the universal laws of physics outlined by Sir Isaac Newton, you now have permission to send their playing piece in to geosynchronous orbit. Of course, the amount of force you determine to send to your opponent's ball must pass, via hammer, within the immediate vicinity of your own foot, so some coordination is required. Given my athletic prowess, no one will be surprised that I limped for about a week after attempting this the first time. (Real Man Rules also prohibit going to see Doctors).

Now, can you imagine if other games were played like croquet?

Monopoly would be way more fun: "Oh, I'm sorry, you landed on Park Place, and I own that. You owe me $500 and I get to shoot your thimble at the neighbor's Rottweiler with a slingshot."

Of course this wouldn't make any sense for some games. In hockey, for example, knocking your opponent's teeth across the blue line is already as expected as it was for a 69 Charger to cross the county line a couple of times in every episode of Dukes of Hazzard.

And in golf, well, you needn't send my ball in to oblivion, I'll do it just fine all by myself, when I tee off into the nearest water obstacle, sand trap, or bank of trees. (At worst, it is not uncommon for me to be recovering my ball from the fairway of a different hole altogether.)

Now, lest I take credit for someone else's idea, this "make other games like Croquet" isn't an original thought. Clearly someone already had this in mind when they took the otherwise mind-numbing game of "Frisbee" and added shotguns, resulting in the more therapeutic sport called "Trap-shooting". I would like to shake their hand.

Now, I leave it to you to determine what else in this world could be improved by a more creative application of Newtonian Physics.

In the mean time, you should buy a Montpelier 6-Player Croquet Set. Invite your neighbors, and you could be the next Hatfield-McCoy story!

History Lessons You Never Had

This Replogle Globe is called the Drake Coronelli Globe.

My guess is you vaguely remember the name Drake. Sir Francis Drake, the English Explorer, is a name we all had to know at some point in History Class. You may even know what he is best known for - being the first person to circumnavigate the globe (The real Globe, not the Replogle Globe. You know, in a boat and everything. I, on the other hand, would get lost trying to circumnavigate an 18-inch globe because I am very bad at directions).

But did you know he was known as a pirate? Yep, he was a bloody, gold-driven leader. He was vicious against the Spanish. His first victory was against a mule caravan, and he took 20 tons of gold and silver. He later led the English forces against the Spanish Armada, won, and then in the cleanup process of neutralizing the remainder of their ships and trying to take over the Azores, he lost 12,000 men and 20 ships.

Now what about the other guy our Replogle Globe is named after, this Coronelli character?

Coronelli was a monk and a cartographer (mapmaker). He published the first of his 140 works at the age of 16. He founded the first geographic society, was an expert in astronomy and mathematics, and was so respected as a theologian that he became the head of the Franciscan Order.

Bet they didn't teach you about him in school.

So, out of respect for our beloved, studious, Italian monk, I think we should name the Drake-Coronelli Replogle Globe after someone other than Francis Drake. I've narrowed a list of candidates, and here are the finalists:

• Doofus Drake, Launchpad's sidekick in the Disney series 'Duck Tales'
• Marino Drake, a Cuban Olympic Gold Medalist in the High Jump
• Alfred Drake, a Broadway actor who starred opposite Katharine Hepburn in 'Much Ado about Nothing'

For a limited time, there will be a poll on the right side of this page. Invite your friends, because, hey, this is a democracy... Choose carefully.