Afinia Lives On...

Well, as you may have noticed, Afinia went quiet for a while.  There are many reasons for our quietude.  Allow me to explain it as follows:

Secretly we were working on a

We made a strategic

A number of external circumstances

We were terrible at marketing and selling furniture.  We had no idea what we were doing.  It was fun, but we didn't put the money in to making it go.  For a brief period of time, we sold a whole bunch of hammocks. And a few realflame rocks.  We were proud of our lineup but it turns out electronics guys have no business selling couches.  So, onward and upward.

Fortunately, some cool stuff came along that we had been working on.  3D printers (which we used for prototyping in our parent company) suddenly became accessibly economical and popular, and we've made a killing selling a really good 3d printer that works right out of the box for just $1,500.  Since we already know a lot about printers, robotics, and manufacturing prototypes, this was an easy fit.  And it's going gangbusters!  Partly because the folks at Make Magazine loved it and are telling everyone about it.

Additionally, since we've been working in the inkjet business, we've finished a really cool, really fast label printer based on the Memjet wide-printhead patent.  Awesome, right?

Now, in the throes of business reinvention, I haven't written much. Partly because writing about the process with my sense of humor would be a liability for me with my employer.  Suffice it to say, exciting things are happening.  And I'm back.  In the unofficial, unsanctioned Afinia blog about entrepreneurship in an established company. 

Talk to you soon.

Aaron

5 Great Picnic Meals with the Willow Picnic Basket Set

The Willow Picnic Basket Set is like eating at the classiest restaurant in town… on the go! Popularized by Little Miss Muffet, picnic baskets gradually became uncool in the mid twentieth century. But then along came Yogi Bear, and picnic basket sales soared! And then, they fell back out of the public eye in the late 1990s. But once you pick up your Willow Set and head down to the big old oak tree in the grassy park, you’ll remember why people preferred to eat outdoors once-upon-a-time. Here are five great occasions to get some use out of your Willow Picnic Basket Set!

1. The Weekday Lunch Break, you and three office-mates

a. 2 thermoses of soup

b. 8-16 slices of bread

c. 1 jar of peanut butter

d. ½ watermelon

e. 1 box of cookies

f. 1 case 5 Hour Energy… or BYOB

2. The Saturday Morning Hike, you and your hiking friend

a. 4 granola bars

b. 4 bottles of water

c. 1 jar of honey for friendly forest bear

3. The Proposal, you and soon-to-be fiance

a. 1 bottle champagne

b. 2 slices of cheesecake

c. Takeout from the fanciest local French restaurant

d. The ring!  Don't forget the ring!

4. The Backyard Camp-Out, with kids

a. 1 box of graham crackers

b. 1 bag of marshmallows

c. Several Hershey bars

d. 12-pack of Mountain Dew

5. The Box Social, for your old-timey workplace singles events

a. Sandwiches for 2

b. Some sort of salad, preferably homemade

c. Fresh fruit and/or vegetables

d. 1 pack Doublemint gum

e. Pie

Amuk's Favorite Products

Some businesses are guarded at night by a watchman, others by alarm or security system. Afinia, however, is protected day and night by Amuk the elephant (pronounced ah-MOOK). Since the company’s inception, Amuk has stood his ground, fending off burglars and unwanted salesmen alike. This snow-covered bronze elephant not only knows how to protect his employers, but he also takes a great deal of pride in the products they sell.

Amuk is African; Afinia is in Minnesota. How does this great immigrant beast keep from freezing during the frigid winters of the Upper Midwest? The Naples Coffee Table, of course. Both versatile and stylish, this table doubles as a crystal fire pit. Amuk has been known to play a game of cribbage with companion birds while partaking in a snifter of brandy in the dead of night, huddled around his Naples Coffee Table. Through snow, rain, sleet, or hail, this is one durable outdoor coffee table that stands up to all elements.

While the side of the building and shrubbery provide some sense of space, Amuk really likes to create an ambiance of sorts by setting up his home base with the Tuscany Pergola. Fellow woodland critters at first asked Amuk what the point of a pergola is—it has the supports for walls but is open on the sides, and the roof is open as well, providing no shelter at all! Amuk explained that it’s all about creating a feel; he wants to enjoy the elements of nature while also providing a sense of space. The critters soon agreed, and now nary a night passes by when hawks aren’t perched from the roof beams, or squirrels aren’t chasing each other around the support beams.

This past Christmas, Amuk invited his critter friends over for a holiday party and rolled out his Portable Casablanca Bar and Rogar Estate Wine Opener, playing bartender. The chardonnay bottles were opened with ease, and cocktails were served from atop this one-of-a-kind bar that had even the beavers marveling. Amuk was able to share photos of his new niece through the glass-top counter, carry on a game of chess with the pull-out gaming table, and of course serve holly nog from the glasses in the counter of his bar. (The next morning proved to be a little rough, naturally.)

When Amuk ran tired of getting other local businesses’ junk mail by mistake, he knew it was time for a proper personalized high-quality mailbox, and opted for the Whitehouse Ultimate Mailbox Package. The weather-resistant mailbox features a customizable name plate with house number, decorative side and door panels, a separate newspaper cubby, and 54” post. The postman recently commended Amuk for having the nicest mailbox on the Chanhassen route!

Here in the winter, it gets dark out by 5:00pm and the sun doesn’t rise until 7:00am—that’s 14 hours of darkness each day, something the average elephant can’t tolerate. But Amuk has his Fanshaw Spotlight in case of emergency (and perhaps partially for his unmistakable sense of style). This 76” high spotlight not only lights up the entire night sky, but Amuk is able to send important messages to Afinia's President, Mitch, via Morse Code.

Amuk truly is valuable to Afinia, but it’s his keen taste for unusual décor, trustworthy merchandise, and practical tools that set him apart from other neighboring elephants.

Top 10 Afinia Products to Keep Hidden in Your Office

1. Ford Trimotor Model Airplane: For those times when you can no longer bear to be working and want to pretend you’re on a jet heading for Waikiki Beach. “Yeeee-oooowwwwn!” you say as you fly your handheld plane across the office, swooping through doorways.

2. Brass Yacht Bell: When the power randomly happens to go out, how else are you going to get your co-workers’ attention? A few clangs on this beauty and they’ll all come running to your office to hatch an escape plan before the power comes back on.

3. Labyrinth Basket: Okay, it’s not something to keep hidden; it’s what you hide inside of it! Buried under a few folders and papers you have stored your emergency stash of Butterfingers, that bottle of 1987 Shiraz, your anti-diarrheal medication, and blackmail photos for the day your office mate betrays you.

4. Ambrogio 30 Minute Hourglass: It’s 4:03… Fifty-seven more minutes to go?! Rather than watching the clock, you’ll be amazed to find that time really does fly by faster when you’re watching it trickle away in an hourglass! Sort of…

5. Rogar Champion Wine Opener: Let’s face it, one day the company is going to go under and when you get the news, you’ll be glad you had a way to pop the cork out of that Shiraz bottle you’ve been saving.

6. Real Flame Personal Gel Fuel Fireplace: You really don’t want to admit it, but you’re kind of a pansy in the winter months when it comes to the cold weather. Not wanting to blare a portable space heater, you do it the environmentally-friendly way with an enclosed flame coming out of a hollowed-out rock!

7. Scottsdale 6-Player Croquet Set: For those crystal-clear 72-degree June days where sitting in a dark office just won’t cut it, you and the gang can take an extra few minutes on break and break out a game of croquet on the back lawn.

8. Willow Picnic Basket Set: See #7. Someone needs to bring the refreshments!

9. Once Upon a Time Girl Brass Statue: For the isolated office worker who is just dying for some companionship, this brass lawn ornament can quickly become your best friend in times of need. “Jane, I just wish everyone here was as good at listening to my problems as you!”

10. Stateroom Mirror #2: Always a good idea to have one of these on hand in times of needed self-reassurance. “I’m good enough, I’m start enough, and doggone it, people like me!”

The Afinia Hats Off Award

Kudos to these folks at http://catalogliving.tumblr.com/ who have clearly found entertainment in our favorite advertising venue, the catalog.  I hope they find an opportunity to visit and roast us.  I'm certain they'll do even better than we do at mocking ourselves.  They've personified the imaginary inhabitants of the homes in furnishing catalogs as "Gary and Elaine", who apparently have some marital difficulties to work through.  Enjoy!

As such, we've decided to create an award and name Catalog Living its first ever recipient.  As soon as our graphics guy can come up with a logo for the award, it will be posted here!

Daydreamer Swing Hammock

Are 'staycations' popular because we've given them a vogue name? Or because nixing the family reunion and hanging out in one of these Daydreamer Swing Hammocks just sounds like a better idea?

You decide.

Ms. Pac-Man/Galaga Arcade

When I was your age...

The skinny kids were the video game nerds, and the fat kids were the football players.

The video game geeks actually knew how a video game worked.

You grew out of video games when you discovered girls. Or at least you kept the hobby closeted from that point forward.

There was no 'vintage' video game. We were first generation, baby!

The storyline was a secondary in a video game. We didn't need a storyline to distract us, the video game was the distraction!

In 1981, when Pac-Man was all the rage, my family threw a Pac-Man themed birthday party. They made the Pac-Man cake, and I think a Pac-Man poster and Pac-Man balloons. Maybe that's because we were poor (it was the 80s - we'd just gotten through the oil crisis of the 70s, inflation was through the roof, unemployment was following it, and the auto recession was in full swing). But I think it was more because the media hadn't yet learned how to artificially produce fandom-type hysteria through merchandising. Movie-themed and video-game themed merchandise started out as a response to demand; now clever marketers manufacture the demand for us - merchandise for the next hit animated feature (from costumes to napkins to action figures) is available before a title is even released.

You can take a trip back in time too, with the Ms. Pac-Man/Galaga Arcade.

Hammock Time.

The most relaxing vacation I have ever had was spent largely in a hammock. We drove to Maine, and I parked it next to the lake on my wife's family's property in one of those old woven rope hammocks, and didn't really move. When the air temperature is just right, the breeze is just strong enough to keep the bugs off and swing the hammock a little bit, and the humidity is high enough to make you sleepy but not so high as to make you sticky, you're home.

I'm thinking one of the uncovered hammocks is ideal for me - because I'm a cloud-watcher and a stargazer. But the Sakura Jacquard Cushioned Double Swing Hammock prompts visions of ice cream on the front porch on a hot July day. What's your variety?

Thomas the Tank Engine Pedal Car

Does anyone else think the face on the Thomas the Tank Engine Pedal Car is a little spooky?

Reminds me of the soulless children's faces on Polar Express. What a weird movie.

The Real Man Rules

My previous article mentioned the Real Man Rules. Here are a few:

1. Real men do not match fabrics. Clothing, furniture, draperies, it does not matter.

(You'll notice that all Afinia Hammocks fit almost anywhere, and our Outdoor Furniture is displayed in neutral colors. There is a simple color selector on each outdoor furniture page, for the purpose of your Significant Other, hereafter referred to as 'GPS Override'.) In the event of an emergency (being forced to select color on your own), simply choose the same fabric color for the whole set. And it doesn't matter which one you choose; it's outdoor furniture, its supposed to be flashy. For indoor furniture, male = leather. Everything else is her choice. Go with it, don't try to argue.

2. Everyone knows that real men do not ask directions. Now, as an extension of this rule, notice that in the detailed coolness that are our classic pedal toys, we simulate everything of importance. That is, steering and lights. No GPS. For those whose livelihood depend on it, we forgive you for putting GPS in your vehicle. Especially if your vehicle is an Airbus A-330, which we fly on regularly. We are grateful you have GPS. Once you have GPS, you may notice that the female in the seat next to you does not always agree with GPS. Hence the spousal title, "GPS override". Again, you may get lost, but go with it, don't try to argue.

3. Real men use fire. Questions? None? Okay, moving along.

4. Real men go to the doctor for two reasons: First, an error status code in critical regions of body. Second, the GPS override has directed us to the doctor.

5. Real men prefer the purchase of a tool over the purchase of repair services. This does, of course, necessitate a worthy tool-storage solution that provides an adequate place of honor for said tools after their meritorious service.

6. Knickknack shelf bad. Clocks good. Photo Montages bad. Globes good.

7. The garage has a deep emotional and perhaps even spiritual role in our lives. You get a 'mani-pedi'. We tinker. But it is not our domain. Secretly, we wish for crossover by the females in to the domain, as long as they do not mistake a fine wood chisel for a lever and ruin the blade. In like manner, men secretly like to do dishes for their GPS Override. The only reason they hold back is they don't want her to get used to it, they like the acknowledgement.

Why stop at 7? Because one of the real man rules prohibits me from fully explaining all of them at once. (Some are in fact never to be explained at all.) There are specific guidelines about using public restrooms, for example, that predate Senator Craig's indiscretions (he violated the rules, and in doing so, reinforced them for all of male-dom).

Have an odd male behavior you would like explained? Post a comment here, and we'll be happy to assess whether what you have observed is based in some interpretation of the rules.

Croquet, anyone?

Games are hard to play from the instructions.

Case in point, I purchased a Croquet set a few years ago to play with my children. I figured, six boys and a ball game played with life-sized wooden hammers, what can go wrong? Sure, there are always concussions and window replacement to deal with, but name something that is fun that doesn't involve at least one of the two.

Of course, I didn't actually know how to play the game. So I broke one of the primary Real Man Rules and read the instructions. And now I know why we don't generally, as a gender, bother with such nonsense.

I set up two stakes and nine wickets about the way they looked in the instructions. But then following the play rules, while not overly complicated, didn't really get me in to the game much. Or the boys. It appeared to all of us to be, frankly, a pathetic game.

Some time later, I got involved in a match between two family friends (apparently they have a grudge match going that goes back many years), and I learned the real joy in the competition:

It lies in the 'Roquet', striking another players ball. You see, once you hit someone else's ball, a world of options opens up.

My personal favorite is that when one hits another's ball, he may "place his own ball side by side with the struck ball. Then placing his foot on his own ball, strike it so as to move the other ball without moving his own."

In plain English, and thanks in part to the universal laws of physics outlined by Sir Isaac Newton, you now have permission to send their playing piece in to geosynchronous orbit. Of course, the amount of force you determine to send to your opponent's ball must pass, via hammer, within the immediate vicinity of your own foot, so some coordination is required. Given my athletic prowess, no one will be surprised that I limped for about a week after attempting this the first time. (Real Man Rules also prohibit going to see Doctors).

Now, can you imagine if other games were played like croquet?

Monopoly would be way more fun: "Oh, I'm sorry, you landed on Park Place, and I own that. You owe me $500 and I get to shoot your thimble at the neighbor's Rottweiler with a slingshot."

Of course this wouldn't make any sense for some games. In hockey, for example, knocking your opponent's teeth across the blue line is already as expected as it was for a 69 Charger to cross the county line a couple of times in every episode of Dukes of Hazzard.

And in golf, well, you needn't send my ball in to oblivion, I'll do it just fine all by myself, when I tee off into the nearest water obstacle, sand trap, or bank of trees. (At worst, it is not uncommon for me to be recovering my ball from the fairway of a different hole altogether.)

Now, lest I take credit for someone else's idea, this "make other games like Croquet" isn't an original thought. Clearly someone already had this in mind when they took the otherwise mind-numbing game of "Frisbee" and added shotguns, resulting in the more therapeutic sport called "Trap-shooting". I would like to shake their hand.

Now, I leave it to you to determine what else in this world could be improved by a more creative application of Newtonian Physics.

In the mean time, you should buy a Montpelier 6-Player Croquet Set. Invite your neighbors, and you could be the next Hatfield-McCoy story!

History Lessons You Never Had

This Replogle Globe is called the Drake Coronelli Globe.

My guess is you vaguely remember the name Drake. Sir Francis Drake, the English Explorer, is a name we all had to know at some point in History Class. You may even know what he is best known for - being the first person to circumnavigate the globe (The real Globe, not the Replogle Globe. You know, in a boat and everything. I, on the other hand, would get lost trying to circumnavigate an 18-inch globe because I am very bad at directions).

But did you know he was known as a pirate? Yep, he was a bloody, gold-driven leader. He was vicious against the Spanish. His first victory was against a mule caravan, and he took 20 tons of gold and silver. He later led the English forces against the Spanish Armada, won, and then in the cleanup process of neutralizing the remainder of their ships and trying to take over the Azores, he lost 12,000 men and 20 ships.

Now what about the other guy our Replogle Globe is named after, this Coronelli character?

Coronelli was a monk and a cartographer (mapmaker). He published the first of his 140 works at the age of 16. He founded the first geographic society, was an expert in astronomy and mathematics, and was so respected as a theologian that he became the head of the Franciscan Order.

Bet they didn't teach you about him in school.

So, out of respect for our beloved, studious, Italian monk, I think we should name the Drake-Coronelli Replogle Globe after someone other than Francis Drake. I've narrowed a list of candidates, and here are the finalists:

• Doofus Drake, Launchpad's sidekick in the Disney series 'Duck Tales'
• Marino Drake, a Cuban Olympic Gold Medalist in the High Jump
• Alfred Drake, a Broadway actor who starred opposite Katharine Hepburn in 'Much Ado about Nothing'

For a limited time, there will be a poll on the right side of this page. Invite your friends, because, hey, this is a democracy... Choose carefully.

Buying Gifts for Men

I often tell people that Afinia's mission is to make it so that any woman could throw a dart at our catalog and hit on something that would make her husband happy. I recognize that I am running some risks by generalizing about gender. But I am not alone.

There is no shortage of articles on the Internet with advice on giving gifts to men. They have the following things in common: They are badly written, they have hidden purposes, and they generalize to the point of making men look shallow and predictable. I take issue with the first two. The third is a fact of life.

The following information is not badly written, and it does not have a hidden purpose. Our purpose is that we want you to buy our stuff. See? Not hidden at all. Links follow at the end of the article.

I would like to offer you some advice, dear shopper, that is hopefully meaningful and even helpful to you in your search. If it drives you to buy somewhere else, well, so be it. Good for the Karma.

In fact, I'm feeling so generous today, I'm going to go so far as to use only examples that are products we DON'T SELL. Then I'll plug our stuff at the very end.

The message behind your gift, whether intended or not, is this:

THIS GIFT REPRESENTS WHO I THINK YOU ARE.

So, if she (my wife, my mother, my mother-in-law) or even he (my dad, my son, my colleague) gets me a cross pen, it is a comment on how she or he perceives me. She is saying more than that I am a writer; she may be saying I am a dreamer, or an intellectual.

The definition will be interpreted through the eyes of our relationship. Depending on the nature of our interactions, the same gift might say pragmatist, or it might say artist. It might say passionate, or it might say disciplined. It could communicate that I am a free spirit, or a driven visionary.

My mother-in-law has given me a gift card to Barnes & Noble many times. She thinks I am a nerd. She is, well, correct. There are very few tangible things in the world that I value more than books. But through the gift, she is saying, "I like that you are a learner. I want to enable your learning".

Oddly enough, the same gift from my wife would be nuanced; it would be, frankly interpreted as a spending limit for my habit. But when my wife gives me music from my favorite store or things to cook with, she says, "I enjoy it when you make new things - you are a good cook. And I like listening to you play the piano."

So remember, when you choose a gift, choose something that represents what you value in that person. Don't choose something that is a critique. If you admire his handiwork, a drill is okay. If you want him to fix things around the house more, it is not.

Now, go buy something from Afinia.com. I am sure he will love whatever you choose. Can I recommend one of these lovely Real Flame fireplaces? Disclaimer: This gift could say, "I like sitting by the fire with you". Or it could say, "You are a pyromaniac and you need to choose a safer, more legal way of enjoying fire, you felonious nutjob".

Merry Christmas.

Today's Insider Glimpse: Gerstner

My boss and I choose each and every product that Afinia will offer vary carefully.

Every line and manufacturer is agreed upon. We both have veto power, and we have used it liberally... to make sure that our catalog is something we can be proud of.

While we agree on every line, sometimes we don't, um, see eye to eye on every product. Here is an example:

The Gerstner Wood Briefcase

Now, Gerstner is a fine company. A long manufacturing tradition, an untouchable reputation for quality, and products that anyone would be proud to own. Personally, I am looking forward to owning this collector's chest someday.

But a wooden briefcase? I don't get it. My boss thinks its cool. So for today's list, I have the

TOP TEN WAYS TO PROMOTE THE WOOD GERSTNER BRIEFCASE

10. Make my boss try to take a Gerstner BriefCase through airport security
9. Advertise all Gerstner Products as 'dart-proof' for businessmen travelling to places where they still shoot people with tranquilizer darts. You know, the far east and the jungle and maybe even South Beach.
8. Promote it as the ideal case for people who still carve their business documents in stone.
7. Offer a free can of wood polish with every briefcase purchase.
6. Publishing a warning - not to use near open flame -
5. Offer to make a donation to the Sierra Club for every purchase made: "With your new wood briefcase, a donation has been made in your name to replace the tree we cut down for this thing..."
4. Offer self-defense classes to women who are working late at the law firm. How to use your briefcase to fend off attackers in parking ramps or something like that...
3. Offer an optional set of legs so it can be converted to a dining table. (Or just buy one of these - they're much cooler).
2. Offer engraving services. "In honor of 10 years with the company, you get a briefcase that no one would ever use, to put next to your 5-year paperweight service award (which you also never use)."
1.Create a businessman exercise routine (Briefcase Curls, Briefcase Lunges, Briefcase Press). You'll build muscle mass in no time with the Gerstner Wood Briefcase!

By the way, did you know people tried to predict the market based on how full Greenspan's Briefcase looked? Turns out he was just taking his lunch to work somedays. Imagine how stable the market would have been if he'd used one of these...

Post Script: A Man's Globe

You may recall my mentioning a globe that sits in my boss's office. If not, that story can be found here.

My boss passed away unexpectedly Thursday evening. We were good friends. That night I sat in his office for a long time, staring at his empty chair and twirling the little silver globe in my hands as I often did when I talked with him.

The next morning, a shocked staff wandered in to work. Many sat in his office as I had done, staring in to the distance.

I couldn't help but notice, the old globe disappeared that morning. Nothing else has been taken. At first it seemed cold that someone would raid the office of our departed friend so quickly. But then, I understand why they took it.

Top Ten Medieval Dungeon Accessories

Author's Post-Script: This is a joke. Okay? A Joke. As in, fabricated for your enjoyment.

Today's Top Ten List:

These Afinia products came from a Medieval Dungeon, complete with their historical archaeological context:

What dungeon would be complete without a torchy-looking Propane Fireplace. I didn't know they had propane back then!

You wouldn't usually think of a retro jukebox as being a torture device. But the one we found was loaded up entirely with Meatloaf albums.

Apparently, the dungeonkeepers were big Russell Crowe Fans. Because they had this cool Gladiator Knife Display. I guess Russell is older than he looks.

A well-organized Dungeon is a happy dungeon! Here's the executioner's top of the line Garage Storage System.

This very unique fan. I have it on good authority that dungeonmasters talked in to electric fans to make their voices sound sinister, like Darth Vader.

These aren't just swimming pool floats! In the event of an emergency, such as flooding in the dungeon, these would drop from the ceiling. It's a well-documented fact that today's airline passenger comfort and safety standards are derived from the days of dungeonkeepiny.

This looks like a Wine Bottle Opener. But it's really a medieval torture device. We've scratched the 'place your thumb here' sticker off.

You think you hang your coats up on this Foyer Bench or sit on it to put on your shoes. But it's really for stringing up prisoners when they are questioned.

Also, in the interrogation room, we found a skeleton stretched across this one. Now it's a Hammock Stand.

Better than a Golden Globe…

Postscript: Today's article is not funny. But it is real.

A globe in a man’s office is a mark of distinction. It is the mark of an educated dreamer, an accomplished artist with a white collar, and a thousand other paradoxes.

It should not come as any surprise that Hollywood seized the globe and tried to make it a symbol of their own. Legitimizing the self-absorbed, destructive personalities produced by America’s darling industry on the west coast with an award that says nothing more than “you’re cool this week; please come to my party” is irony at least; that the award is given to American-made, English-language films is only the tip of the iceberg of hypocrisy. It is an indictment of our civilization that putting the name of a soon to be washed-up, divorced, rehabbed, and probably prematurely dead celebrity on a globe adds E-bay value faster than gold itself.

When I was young, I spun a globe that was tucked away in the classroom corner and imagined the places I would go. My finger would stop the globe on Germany, Japan, Chile, Mexico, Canada, and even the Island that decorates the southern tip of China, and I would imagine the sights, smells, and food, the sounds of a language I did not know. I wondered how I would get there, what I would do, who I would meet, what I would learn.

Now that I am grown, I still spin a Globe. It is a small one; it sits in the corner of the Vice President’s office. But when my finger stops the globe, instead of imagining, it calls back the memories. It reminds me of how people work, live, talk, eat, and travel. It brings back raw fish and taxi rides and business meetings and walking long streets. You see, I have been to all of those places, and more.

I love to point a spot out on a globe or a map to my children, share a story, and impart a little wisdom that came at a cost to me.

In Shanghai I was tricked in to getting in to a taxi… it cost me a lot of money to get out of it. I ended up running part of a charity race in Birmingham in the UK… with my luggage. We climbed far beyond where the tourists go on the Great Wall north of Beijing. And our weak German skills ordered way more orange juice than a couple of people can drink at McDonalds in Hannover. I have a fond memory of a long walk early one morning in Kyoto, Japan, when I managed to escape my hosts long enough to see the parts of the city that aren’t on a tourist map, and greet people as they began their day early one Sunday morning. I spent a long night walking around Mexico City looking for a hotel when mine couldn’t find a reservation. I have visited the poorest slums in Chile, and I have been treated like a king in Montreal.

And then my finger finds a spot on the globe that my feet have not yet touched. Vienna. Prague. Johannesburg. Reykjavik. And the child inside returns.

I am one of the paradoxes. And one day there will be a Replogle Globe, sitting by my bookshelves in the room with the wingback chair and the grand piano.

Still Stuck on Pergolas

I'm doing my pergola homework here.

There's another company that sells pergolas that really has their act together. Baldwin Pergolas. Unfortunately, what would otherwise be a high degree of web-pergola-credibility is shot by their use of a garden gnome (not in just one, but two places) on the front page above the fold.


When we first started exploring the idea of a furnishings catalog on the high end, we visited the High Point Furniture Market in North Carolina (a year ago). The first vendor we talked to, a company that made high-quality patio furniture like this, told us they didn't want to be in any catalog that had garden gnomes in it. Garden Gnomes have since then become symbolic. (As in, "What do you think of carrying this?" "It's cool, but it might make people think garden gnome.")

I have, in fact, come to the conclusion that the only tasteful way to display a garden gnome, pergola or not, is the following:

The Replogle Globe Company History, Revised

**Author's Note, Post Script: This is not my best work. In hindsight, I should probably delete it. Frankly, I'm only leaving it here in hopes that people searching for Globes will end up looking at our Globes page. If you came here to be entertained, you probably should skip this one and go to pergolas. But if you still have time on your hands, there may be a gem or two here too...

One thing I have gotten tired of is the so-called 'Corporate Profile'. I don't know why this 'About Us' spiel has to be included in every sales pitch and powerpoint. I kicked a window salesman out of my house because he wouldn't skip the pre-programmed pitch. I just wanted some windows, not a history lesson. So I had an idea:

Take these corporate histories and make 'mad libs'. It's much more interesting.

Here is the history for one of my favorite companies, Replogle Globe. This company is actually fairly historic. But what happens if you do a find and replace just one word, Globe, with another noun? The real gems are bolded:

Replogle Popsicle Sticks has been making popsicle sticks since the 1920's. Recognized as the world's largest manufacturer of popsicle sticks, Replogle Popsicle Sticks has a well-earned reputation for its constant production and innovation of world popsicle sticks.

From its humble beginning in a Chicago apartment, Replogle Popsicle Sticks today is the world's leader in popsicle stick production. From handcrafted masterpieces in the offices of presidents and dignitaries to classroom models that help students understand their world, their belief in the popsicle stick as a source of wonder hasn't changed.

To deliver popsicle sticks to an ever broader audience. That was the vision of Luther Replogle in 1930, and this continues to be Replogle's mission to this day. Replogle Popsicle Sticks believes that the appeal of a popsicle stick is deeper than its value as a learning tool or home accessory. Luther Replogle knew this from the beginning. As a school supply salesman, he took a special interest in popsicle sticks, believing he could successfully market them to a broader audience.

He was right. What began with hand-assembled popsicle sticks sold from a Chicago apartment (with maps sourced from England, no less) grew into what you might call a global empire, Behind the rallying cry, "A popsicle stick in Every Home," Replogle facilitated the popsicle stick's migration from the classroom to the living room. In 1963, Replogle co-founded Scanglobe of Denmark, going on to purchase the popsicle sticks manufacturer's remaining interest in 1988 and moving its operations to the USA in 2003.

Replogle is the world's leading popsicle stick manufacturer, based in a 260,000 square foot facility near Chicago - but some things haven't changed much since 1930. Many Replogle popsicle sticks are still painstakingly hand-made by artisans who have spent the better part of their lives with the company. This is indicative of a commitment to quality, a commitment to doing things the right way, and, most importantly, a commitment to the popsicle stick itself.

It's exactly what Luther Replogle had in mind.

REPLOGLE POPSICLE STICKS HISTORY
In 1930, as 122 million citizens of the United States brace themselves for what will become known as the Great Depression, Luther Replogle, along with his wife, Elizabeth, begin assembling popsicle sticks in their Chicago apartment. Luther's idea -"A popsicle stick in Every Home" flies in the face of the dwindling economy, not to mention logic itself.

Luther Replogle believed that the popsicle stick was too valuable, too beautiful to be forever relegated to classroom duty. Where he got this idea is anyone's guess. When Luther Replogle wasn't making sales calls for a school supply company, he spent his time in the Weber Costello plant, watching popsicle stick-makers at work, paying particular attention as they pasted hand-cut map gores to molded hemispheres.

Luther Replogle's interest in popsicle sticks paid off. And in a constantly changing, seemingly shrinking world, his vision is more relevant today than ever. In 1930, Luther Replogle thought that a popsicle stick might help people make sense of their world. There were floods in the Mississippi River Delta, Fascism on the rise in Europe, Lindbergh attempting to fly across the Atlantic. Much was going on. The world was a big stage. It still is.

Here is the text as it originally appeared:

Replogle Globes has been making globes since the 1920's. Recognized as the world's largest manufacturer of globes, Replogle Globes has a well-earned reputation for its constant production and innovation of world globes.

From its humble beginning in a Chicago apartment, Replogle Globes today is the worlds leader in globe production. From handcrafted masterpieces in the offices of presidents and dignitaries to classroom models that help students understand their world, their belief in the globe as a source of wonder hasn't changed.

To deliver globes to an ever broader audience. That was the vision of Luther Replogle in 1930, and this continues to be Replogle's mission to this day. Replogle Globes believes that the appeal of a globe is deeper than its value as a learning tool or home accessory. Luther Replogle knew this from the beginning. As a school supply salesman, he took a special interest in globes, believing he could successfully market them to a broader audience.

He was right. What began with hand-assembled globes sold from a Chicago apartment (with maps sourced from England, no less) grew into what you might call a global empire, Behind the rallying cry, "A Globe in Every Home, " Replogle facilitated the globe's migration from the classroom to the living room. In 1963, Replogle co-founded Scanglobe of Denmark, going on to purchase the globe manufacturer's remaining interest in 1988 and moving its operations to the USA in 2003.

Replogle is the world's leading globe manufacturer, based in a 260,000 square foot facility near Chicago - but some things haven't changed much since 1930. Many Replogle Globes are still painstakingly hand-made by artisans who have spent the better part of their lives with the company. This is indicative of a commitment to quality, a commitment to doing things the right way, and, most importantly, a commitment to the globe itself.

It's exactly what Luther Replogle had in mind.

REPLOGLE GLOBES HISTORY
In 1930, as 122 million citizens of the United States brace themselves for what will become known as the Great Depression, Luther Replogle, along with his wife, Elizabeth, begin assembling globes in their Chicago apartment. Luther's idea -"A Globe in Every Home" flies in the face of the dwindling economy, not to mention logic itself.

Luther Replogle believed that the globe was too valuable, too beautiful to be forever relegated to classroom duty. Where he got this idea is anyone's guess. When Luther Replogle wasn't making sales calls for a school supply company, he spent his time in the Weber Costello plant, watching globe-makers at work, paying particular attention as they pasted hand-cut map gores to molded hemispheres.

Luther Replogle's interest in globes paid off. And in a constantly changing, seemingly shrinking world, his vision is more relevant today than ever. In 1930, Luther Replogle thought that a globe might help people make sense of their world. There were floods in the Mississippi River Delta, Fascism on the rise in Europe, Lindbergh attempting to fly across the Atlantic. Much was going on. The world was a big stage. It still is.

Now that I have a pergola, what should I do with it?

Top Ten things you could do with an Afinia Pergola:


10. Have a donut-eating contest (you know, where you hang the donuts from strings)

9. Pull-ups. (If you won the donut-eating contest, you should strongly consider this).

8. Grow grapes. Then you could, like, lie outside under your pergola and pick some grapes and eat them.

7. Grow vines. It's like a roof made out of flowers. Personally, I like Morning Glory, but I don't know if it's strictly for climbing up mailbox posts or if it works as a horizontal vine too. http://www.theflowerexpert.com/content/aboutflowers/tropicalflowers/morning-glory Don't eat these though. They're psychoactive and toxic.

6. Tie up the dog to it. Or the cat. (Is that cruel? Why is it cruel to tie up a cat and not a dog? I think there's a deeper issue here, one that merits introspection and possibly the formation of a social movement.)

5. Host a party. Call it a pergola party. Then see how many people e-mail you to find out what a 'pergola party' is and whether this party is okay if they're not 'socially progressive'.

4. If you have money to throw around... Put it somewhere interesting, perhaps somewhere the zoning commission might not like. Hey, it doesn't require a license to put one of these up, but any well-placed structure is sure to get the municipal control freaks fired up. Get creative. I'm not recommending anything illegal here, but if you go the creative route, send me a picture and maybe we'll send you a small gift or rebate part of the cost of the pergola... Again, nothing illegal...

3. Hold a Japanese Tea Ceremony. This one looks sort of oriental-ish... You could reenact the scene from Karate Kid. And if you could get Tamlyn Tomita there, well, that would be cool. She was in CSI Miami this year, you know. Okay, that scene wasn't shot in a pergola, but then hey, you're no Ralph Macchio, are you. Especially after the donuts.

2. Re-enact the beach scenes from your favorite 60s movie. Okay, this one's not a pergola, but it's close...

1. Add a gel fireplace http://www.afinia.com/Real_Flame_Gel_Fuel_Fire_Pits_s/34.htm and relax on your double lounge http://www.afinia.com/Antigua_Double_Lounge_p/d101-510.htm as you watch your children/grandchildren/hey whose neighbor kid is that? play with their pedal cars in the yard http://www.afinia.com/toys_s/22.htm.

Shameless product plugs. Sorry, it had to be done...