History Lessons You Never Had

This Replogle Globe is called the Drake Coronelli Globe.

My guess is you vaguely remember the name Drake. Sir Francis Drake, the English Explorer, is a name we all had to know at some point in History Class. You may even know what he is best known for - being the first person to circumnavigate the globe (The real Globe, not the Replogle Globe. You know, in a boat and everything. I, on the other hand, would get lost trying to circumnavigate an 18-inch globe because I am very bad at directions).

But did you know he was known as a pirate? Yep, he was a bloody, gold-driven leader. He was vicious against the Spanish. His first victory was against a mule caravan, and he took 20 tons of gold and silver. He later led the English forces against the Spanish Armada, won, and then in the cleanup process of neutralizing the remainder of their ships and trying to take over the Azores, he lost 12,000 men and 20 ships.

Now what about the other guy our Replogle Globe is named after, this Coronelli character?

Coronelli was a monk and a cartographer (mapmaker). He published the first of his 140 works at the age of 16. He founded the first geographic society, was an expert in astronomy and mathematics, and was so respected as a theologian that he became the head of the Franciscan Order.

Bet they didn't teach you about him in school.

So, out of respect for our beloved, studious, Italian monk, I think we should name the Drake-Coronelli Replogle Globe after someone other than Francis Drake. I've narrowed a list of candidates, and here are the finalists:

• Doofus Drake, Launchpad's sidekick in the Disney series 'Duck Tales'
• Marino Drake, a Cuban Olympic Gold Medalist in the High Jump
• Alfred Drake, a Broadway actor who starred opposite Katharine Hepburn in 'Much Ado about Nothing'

For a limited time, there will be a poll on the right side of this page. Invite your friends, because, hey, this is a democracy... Choose carefully.

Buying Gifts for Men

I often tell people that Afinia's mission is to make it so that any woman could throw a dart at our catalog and hit on something that would make her husband happy. I recognize that I am running some risks by generalizing about gender. But I am not alone.

There is no shortage of articles on the Internet with advice on giving gifts to men. They have the following things in common: They are badly written, they have hidden purposes, and they generalize to the point of making men look shallow and predictable. I take issue with the first two. The third is a fact of life.

The following information is not badly written, and it does not have a hidden purpose. Our purpose is that we want you to buy our stuff. See? Not hidden at all. Links follow at the end of the article.

I would like to offer you some advice, dear shopper, that is hopefully meaningful and even helpful to you in your search. If it drives you to buy somewhere else, well, so be it. Good for the Karma.

In fact, I'm feeling so generous today, I'm going to go so far as to use only examples that are products we DON'T SELL. Then I'll plug our stuff at the very end.

The message behind your gift, whether intended or not, is this:

THIS GIFT REPRESENTS WHO I THINK YOU ARE.

So, if she (my wife, my mother, my mother-in-law) or even he (my dad, my son, my colleague) gets me a cross pen, it is a comment on how she or he perceives me. She is saying more than that I am a writer; she may be saying I am a dreamer, or an intellectual.

The definition will be interpreted through the eyes of our relationship. Depending on the nature of our interactions, the same gift might say pragmatist, or it might say artist. It might say passionate, or it might say disciplined. It could communicate that I am a free spirit, or a driven visionary.

My mother-in-law has given me a gift card to Barnes & Noble many times. She thinks I am a nerd. She is, well, correct. There are very few tangible things in the world that I value more than books. But through the gift, she is saying, "I like that you are a learner. I want to enable your learning".

Oddly enough, the same gift from my wife would be nuanced; it would be, frankly interpreted as a spending limit for my habit. But when my wife gives me music from my favorite store or things to cook with, she says, "I enjoy it when you make new things - you are a good cook. And I like listening to you play the piano."

So remember, when you choose a gift, choose something that represents what you value in that person. Don't choose something that is a critique. If you admire his handiwork, a drill is okay. If you want him to fix things around the house more, it is not.

Now, go buy something from Afinia.com. I am sure he will love whatever you choose. Can I recommend one of these lovely Real Flame fireplaces? Disclaimer: This gift could say, "I like sitting by the fire with you". Or it could say, "You are a pyromaniac and you need to choose a safer, more legal way of enjoying fire, you felonious nutjob".

Merry Christmas.

Today's Insider Glimpse: Gerstner

My boss and I choose each and every product that Afinia will offer vary carefully.

Every line and manufacturer is agreed upon. We both have veto power, and we have used it liberally... to make sure that our catalog is something we can be proud of.

While we agree on every line, sometimes we don't, um, see eye to eye on every product. Here is an example:

The Gerstner Wood Briefcase

Now, Gerstner is a fine company. A long manufacturing tradition, an untouchable reputation for quality, and products that anyone would be proud to own. Personally, I am looking forward to owning this collector's chest someday.

But a wooden briefcase? I don't get it. My boss thinks its cool. So for today's list, I have the

TOP TEN WAYS TO PROMOTE THE WOOD GERSTNER BRIEFCASE

10. Make my boss try to take a Gerstner BriefCase through airport security
9. Advertise all Gerstner Products as 'dart-proof' for businessmen travelling to places where they still shoot people with tranquilizer darts. You know, the far east and the jungle and maybe even South Beach.
8. Promote it as the ideal case for people who still carve their business documents in stone.
7. Offer a free can of wood polish with every briefcase purchase.
6. Publishing a warning - not to use near open flame -
5. Offer to make a donation to the Sierra Club for every purchase made: "With your new wood briefcase, a donation has been made in your name to replace the tree we cut down for this thing..."
4. Offer self-defense classes to women who are working late at the law firm. How to use your briefcase to fend off attackers in parking ramps or something like that...
3. Offer an optional set of legs so it can be converted to a dining table. (Or just buy one of these - they're much cooler).
2. Offer engraving services. "In honor of 10 years with the company, you get a briefcase that no one would ever use, to put next to your 5-year paperweight service award (which you also never use)."
1.Create a businessman exercise routine (Briefcase Curls, Briefcase Lunges, Briefcase Press). You'll build muscle mass in no time with the Gerstner Wood Briefcase!

By the way, did you know people tried to predict the market based on how full Greenspan's Briefcase looked? Turns out he was just taking his lunch to work somedays. Imagine how stable the market would have been if he'd used one of these...

Post Script: A Man's Globe

You may recall my mentioning a globe that sits in my boss's office. If not, that story can be found here.

My boss passed away unexpectedly Thursday evening. We were good friends. That night I sat in his office for a long time, staring at his empty chair and twirling the little silver globe in my hands as I often did when I talked with him.

The next morning, a shocked staff wandered in to work. Many sat in his office as I had done, staring in to the distance.

I couldn't help but notice, the old globe disappeared that morning. Nothing else has been taken. At first it seemed cold that someone would raid the office of our departed friend so quickly. But then, I understand why they took it.

Top Ten Medieval Dungeon Accessories

Author's Post-Script: This is a joke. Okay? A Joke. As in, fabricated for your enjoyment.

Today's Top Ten List:

These Afinia products came from a Medieval Dungeon, complete with their historical archaeological context:

What dungeon would be complete without a torchy-looking Propane Fireplace. I didn't know they had propane back then!

You wouldn't usually think of a retro jukebox as being a torture device. But the one we found was loaded up entirely with Meatloaf albums.

Apparently, the dungeonkeepers were big Russell Crowe Fans. Because they had this cool Gladiator Knife Display. I guess Russell is older than he looks.

A well-organized Dungeon is a happy dungeon! Here's the executioner's top of the line Garage Storage System.

This very unique fan. I have it on good authority that dungeonmasters talked in to electric fans to make their voices sound sinister, like Darth Vader.

These aren't just swimming pool floats! In the event of an emergency, such as flooding in the dungeon, these would drop from the ceiling. It's a well-documented fact that today's airline passenger comfort and safety standards are derived from the days of dungeonkeepiny.

This looks like a Wine Bottle Opener. But it's really a medieval torture device. We've scratched the 'place your thumb here' sticker off.

You think you hang your coats up on this Foyer Bench or sit on it to put on your shoes. But it's really for stringing up prisoners when they are questioned.

Also, in the interrogation room, we found a skeleton stretched across this one. Now it's a Hammock Stand.

Better than a Golden Globe…

Postscript: Today's article is not funny. But it is real.

A globe in a man’s office is a mark of distinction. It is the mark of an educated dreamer, an accomplished artist with a white collar, and a thousand other paradoxes.

It should not come as any surprise that Hollywood seized the globe and tried to make it a symbol of their own. Legitimizing the self-absorbed, destructive personalities produced by America’s darling industry on the west coast with an award that says nothing more than “you’re cool this week; please come to my party” is irony at least; that the award is given to American-made, English-language films is only the tip of the iceberg of hypocrisy. It is an indictment of our civilization that putting the name of a soon to be washed-up, divorced, rehabbed, and probably prematurely dead celebrity on a globe adds E-bay value faster than gold itself.

When I was young, I spun a globe that was tucked away in the classroom corner and imagined the places I would go. My finger would stop the globe on Germany, Japan, Chile, Mexico, Canada, and even the Island that decorates the southern tip of China, and I would imagine the sights, smells, and food, the sounds of a language I did not know. I wondered how I would get there, what I would do, who I would meet, what I would learn.

Now that I am grown, I still spin a Globe. It is a small one; it sits in the corner of the Vice President’s office. But when my finger stops the globe, instead of imagining, it calls back the memories. It reminds me of how people work, live, talk, eat, and travel. It brings back raw fish and taxi rides and business meetings and walking long streets. You see, I have been to all of those places, and more.

I love to point a spot out on a globe or a map to my children, share a story, and impart a little wisdom that came at a cost to me.

In Shanghai I was tricked in to getting in to a taxi… it cost me a lot of money to get out of it. I ended up running part of a charity race in Birmingham in the UK… with my luggage. We climbed far beyond where the tourists go on the Great Wall north of Beijing. And our weak German skills ordered way more orange juice than a couple of people can drink at McDonalds in Hannover. I have a fond memory of a long walk early one morning in Kyoto, Japan, when I managed to escape my hosts long enough to see the parts of the city that aren’t on a tourist map, and greet people as they began their day early one Sunday morning. I spent a long night walking around Mexico City looking for a hotel when mine couldn’t find a reservation. I have visited the poorest slums in Chile, and I have been treated like a king in Montreal.

And then my finger finds a spot on the globe that my feet have not yet touched. Vienna. Prague. Johannesburg. Reykjavik. And the child inside returns.

I am one of the paradoxes. And one day there will be a Replogle Globe, sitting by my bookshelves in the room with the wingback chair and the grand piano.

Still Stuck on Pergolas

I'm doing my pergola homework here.

There's another company that sells pergolas that really has their act together. Baldwin Pergolas. Unfortunately, what would otherwise be a high degree of web-pergola-credibility is shot by their use of a garden gnome (not in just one, but two places) on the front page above the fold.


When we first started exploring the idea of a furnishings catalog on the high end, we visited the High Point Furniture Market in North Carolina (a year ago). The first vendor we talked to, a company that made high-quality patio furniture like this, told us they didn't want to be in any catalog that had garden gnomes in it. Garden Gnomes have since then become symbolic. (As in, "What do you think of carrying this?" "It's cool, but it might make people think garden gnome.")

I have, in fact, come to the conclusion that the only tasteful way to display a garden gnome, pergola or not, is the following: